Budget Basics

The summer I finished college, I quickly got a part-time job.  Don't misunderstand, though, this was not the kind of part-time job that helped me squeak by - the first few months, as I worked my way into more hours, I was making $300-400 a month.  Talk about being broke.

By the time the winter came, I was more in the realm of $600-800 - enough to keep my car rolling and make the minimum student loan payments when they kicked in while my parents covered everything else in my life.

The next spring, I got a promotion, and started making enough to put me above the poverty line.  I knew it was time to make a budget.

There are a million people and blogs out there that will tell you how to set a budget, and I did a lot of research before making my first budget.  Two years later, my budget has changed to reflect a growing income and changing student loan payments, but the main tenets have remained the same.  A budget is personal, so my budget theory is personal.  I believe a good budget should:

• Focus first on paying for necessities: rent, groceries, utilities, transportation
• Focus second on paying off debt.  NOT minimum payments, but aggressively paying it off.
• Be envelope-based.  This means that you intentionally set aside a certain amount to spend in each category (groceries, gas, clothes, enterntainment, etc) and when you run out of money in that category, you stop spending for the month.
• Think long-term.  If you're paying insurance every six months, calculate the monthly amount and include it in your budget so you aren't spending money you'll need soon.
• Reflect your priorities.  It's more important to me to build up a "romance fund" so I can see my long-distance guy than to buy new clothes, and the amounts I put in each category reflect that.
• Be zero-sum.  The total of your spending categories should equal your income.  Every dollar should go to a category, with no extra.  If you plan out each category and have extra, recalculate.  Give yourself a little breathing room in tight categories, add to your debt pay-down plan, or put the money in your savings every month.
• Hurt a little.  If your budget doesn't pinch a little and make you think twice about purchases, then it is probably not getting you toward your long-term goals (yes, you should have long-term financial goals).

If it's your first time making a budget, it can seem kind of impossible to figure out what categories to create and how much to put in them.  To help get started, I really like Dave Ramsey's Monthly Cash Flow Plan.  It lists more than 50 categories you should think about, and it offers "optimal" percentages to help you see what's reasonable or not.  Again, my percentages don't always line up because some categories are more important than others - I don't always agree with Dave Ramsey - but it helps me be more conscious of where I might be spending too much.

Moving, Again

When I was a kid, we weren't one of those families that moved.  I never, ever had to change schools.  My family moved once, from a trailer house into a house, when I was a toddler, and that was all it ever was.  We swapped bedrooms a few times, rearranged furniture regularly, remodeled and remodeled and remodeled, even had our address change when the county installed rural street names, but my house was always my house.

From 2009-2013, I moved every three to nine months (thanks, college).  Honestly, I got to be a pro at it.  I could fit everything, including a tv, mini fridge, and microwave, in my Buick sedan.  It became a cycle of knowing when to unpack, what to leave behind, and when to start bringing things back home to make those last days of school less cluttered.

After graduation, I stayed with my parents for eleven months.  Then I moved again, into my new apartment onsite at my job, with no firm idea how long I would be there or where I would go after.

It's time to move again.  Almost 15 months later, I look around my apartment, and my thoughts are all about how to pack and which items can leave first.  It doesn't feel like I've been here so long, and yet every day I've been here also feels like a week.  So many things have accumulated in my apartment.  As my first time living alone, I supplied everything in this room, no more college roommates to split half of the household items with, and an entire space to hold whatever craft supplies and books and papers my heart desires.

With just a couple days left, I'm at the juncture of needing to pack and having zero desire to pack.  I've already taken home several boxes, and a few more are all ready to go, but I hate committing to what I won't need in the next couple of days.  Knowing how little time I will have to do any packing on move day is just making me that much more boxes in by the entire process.

The only good thing about packing and moving is purging.  I have already taken my garbage out three times this week.  Things that had gotten shoved on a shelf or mixed in with a stack of "keepers" are now exposed and on their way out.  Old catalogs? Recycled.  Dried up pens?  Tossed. Out with the old really does usher in the new - and I am so, so ready for the new.

But I still hesitate before I throw some things away, even some obvious things.  I know that I can be a bit of a hoarder, that I don't always let things go when I should, and I have those moments about the move and job as well.  This is where I'm comfortable, this is where I'm safe, and this is where I know my place.  It takes courage to change; I've never considered myself particularly brave.  But here we are.

"...If he fails, at least fails daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory or defeat."        --Theodore Roosevelt

Sometimes You Quit; Or, When Your Boss Cries

I have never quit a job.

Me leaving a job (with the exception of one time I was let go - the story behind which would be an entire blog) has always been inevitable because I was moving to college or home from college, a predetermined going away point that just tick-tocked closer and closer.

That changed this week.

Now, I have known my boss almost my entire life.  My brother and I went to school with her two kids.  She gave me my first job in high school.  She handed me my diploma when I walked across the stage at my high school commencement.  And while she's not exactly a friend, she has played a huge role in my life.  I appreciate the many, many things she has done to help me, especially in the last ten years, despite the fact that we often don't see things the same way.

There's a level of stilted-ness that comes about when you know your boss is trying to sell the business and that your job might not necessarily exist when that happens.  You have to watch what you say, because if the business doesn't sell, you still have to work for her, but at the same time, there are serious questions that need to be addressed.  Knowing if anyone has looked or mad an offer completely changes your timeline.  At the same time, though, you then become responsible for what you tell those below you - you need them to keep working and keep the business running, but you don't want to blindside them with a complete loss of income either.  It's a tightrope.

The tightrope is made thinner by the fact that I don't enjoy my job.  And not just because it doesn't challenge me or I don't enjoy the work, but because I have some fundamental struggles with decisions that are being made at the top and I am burned out from being on call 24 hours a day.

It is time for me to move on.  I know that, and I've felt it for a while, but I had a strange little plan of sticking out another nine months or so before really starting to look elsewhere.  Then a job opened up - not necessarily my Dream Job, but at least a dreamy one - in my desired field, with a raise and benefits.  It was a long road, but I got it.

And suddenly I had to tell my boss that I got a new job, when I hadn't even told her I was applying for one.  As I was telling her, all she could say was, "Ah, Sarah," in this keening way that reminded me of the way my dog whimpers when someone leaves without her.  "What are we going to do without you?"

I replied tongue-in-cheek and excused myself.  Only later that evening did I hear that after I left, her husband found her sitting at the desk, teary-eyed over my abandonment.  I can't say I'm surprised by this, but I wonder if maybe it isn't even more of a sign that I need to go somewhere else, that I allowed myself to become indispensable in a place where I had no desire to remain.

While she was crying, I was just happy for this chapter of my life to close.

Rejection, Acceptance, and Faith

I live on site at my job.  It's 26 feet from my apartment to my office.  This sometimes leads to awkward, strange mornings - me sitting at the desk taking a reservation when my boss unlocks the door on my day off, running for the phone still in a towel after my shower, or a renter knocking on my door having locked himself out.

Or, as it was about a month ago, a realtor trying to open my bedroom door.

Luckily, I lock the doors at night, otherwise the poor realtor, potential buyers (a high school friend of mine and her mom - seriously, small towns can get so damn awkward), and my boss would have had quite the sight.

The day the realtor woke me up was the same day I submitted a job application in a nervous, hopeful fog.  I had applied for this job once before, senior year of college when I still had a full semester of class ahead.  I never heard a peep.  A lot changed in two years, and I held my breath as I prayed over the process, sure that God's timing was so obvious here.

Three hours later, I had an interview.
The interview ended with them saying I had "an awesome set of skills."  They told me the decision would be three days.
Three days later, they told me three more days.
Three days later, the opportunity was gone.

They were very complimentary.  Basically, it had come down to me and someone else, and the someone edged me out.  If another opportunity came up, they would love to have me.

A nice rejection doesn't make you feel any less rejected.

I sat in the bottom of my closet and cried as I called my SO and my mom.  I ate an absurd amount of calories.  I bought some vodka.  I argued with friends, because sometimes they just don't say the right things and sometimes you just don't care enough to be nice about it.  And mostly, I felt crummy and boxed in and just not good enough.

7 days later, everything changed.

I was checking my email during a particularly slow moment at work.  The woman who would have been my boss made an appearance.  In essence, the someone else had backed out, and they wanted me - was I still interested?

Um, yes.


So now here I sit, filling my last two weeks before moving into The New, The Different, and The Unknown.  I spent those seven days resigning myself to staying where I was, to believing that the right thing would come, that there was a reason I wasn't "there" yet.  And now it's all changed again.  The world is so topsy-turvy sometimes, so hard to reckon with.  But I believe those seven days were good for me, if only to serve as a reminder that I need to accept myself and accept that I won't always be the best, the brightest, and the winner.

A Divided Heart

I'm going to dinner with a friend tomorrow night.  Actually, I'm taking her out to dinner.  To celebrate.  Her engagement.

Even just thinking about it makes me a little tired.  Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend, and I love spending an evening with her whenever I can get a chance.  But tomorrow night is going to be an endless game I play with myself and my divided heart.

I love her.
I am so happy for her.
I want to be her.

None of us are strangers to jealousy.  If you say you've never felt that deep stomach twinge, you're a liar.  Even the kindest, most humble people have had those moments of "Why me?"  
It's natural.  But it's so dark.

I miss the man I love.  He's been away for a long time, and each day seems a little harder to swallow when I stop to think of it.  I hate each and every mile between us, I hate the circumstances that keep him away, I hate the knowledge that even if he were here, there would still be struggles to overcome and difficulties to face.

I love my friend.  I feel blessed to have her living near me for the time being, that I can be a part of stories she will tell to loved ones in years to come.  But I want to cry and rage and stamp my feet and scream that no one can be happy until I can be happy.

The dark and the light, they live in two places in my heart.  The light is for everyone.  The light is what shines when you run into acquaintances in the gym or when the cashier asks how you're doing today.  The darkness isn't for everyone or every time or everywhere.  The darkness isn't even always for those who would normally take it.  I've shared my dark heart with my friend before, spilling out sadness and anger and doubt about my love, my job, my home.  But I won't lay my darkness about her marriage at her feet.  Does she know?  Oh, I'm sure she knows.  I'm sure she can get 4 from 2 + 2 and knows that my loneliness and yearning make it hard to hold a smile, but I won't tell her that.  She doesn't deserve my darkness in her light.

I'll tell you, though.  I'll tell other dear friends, and I'll even tell myself.  I won't let the darkness fester in dark corners alone, I'll bring it out into my consciousness, out into the world, where light and love can shine and make it a little less dark when I tuck it away again to celebrate with her.

Numb

I started my morning off with a cruise through Facebook, like I usually do.  I stopped on a specific post, a longer one, because I knew whatever was said by this person would catch in my heart.

"I think when there is no end in sight or no date to return God puts a sort of numbness on me so I don't feel the entire pain of missing him."

I certainly understand that.

The author of the post was talking about the child she hopes to adopt, who is on another continent, and though I'm not adopting, I know that kind of numbness.

I haven't seen my SO in almost two years.  I know most people think that's crazy and ridiculous, and I'm not here to justify my relationship to the world.  He and I have lives that don't give much right now, and so we struggle to find time to be in the same timezone.

People always say long distance relationships don't work.  Sometimes that's true.  I've said before, distance is tough.  I think one of the hardest things about being away from your loved one is not having all of the little daily reminders of why you love them.  He's not there to stop and grab flowers before a date, or pick up your favorite orange juice before you spend the night, or help you rearrange the furniture without complaining.  Your love, in a way, has to perpetuate itself.

Being lonely for someone gnaws at you.  But when that person is gone every day, it can't gnaw all the time.  You can't spend every waking moment pining.  You have to have fun, to enjoy days without him, and to be content without him sometimes.  It's healthy.

Those moments, though, are when I think people start to question their LDR.  "If I'm fine without him, why are we together?"

That question is a liar.

You have to be fine without him.  Even if you were married and together every day, you'd have to be okay being separated.  If you weren't, that would certainly be a sign of an unhealthy dependence.  Surviving and thriving while separated doesn't mean you don't love your partner, it means you love yourself and your relationship enough to be strong, to build toward better things, to work to build a life where you can be together.

Two days ago was my love's birthday.  Because of his job, I didn't even get to call him on his birthday.  It sucked.  I thought all day of how I would celebrate him if we were together.  At the same time, I went to work, made dinner for one, and never let myself cry because the last thing I wanted to do on his birthday was bring him down by piling my sadness on top of his.

Being numb is sometimes the only way to cope.

A Lesson in Patience

About two weeks ago, I packed up and took off to Montana for a week.  My best friend J was getting married, and there was obviously NOTHING that would stop me from being there.

I had prepared myself for the the emotions that were going to come with it.  You see, J's husband is in the Air Force, currently stationed in England, so a lot was about to happen.  In just a few short days, I got to see J again, met her husband for the first time, did everything in my power to help take some of the wedding chaos off her shoulders, put up with some of the more...colorful...guests, spent many many hours alone in the car with another of my close friends, and said goodbye to J before she jets off to her new home outside of London with a question mark where her return date goes.

And yet, weirdly, one of the most painful things to happen that week was a picture message from my mom.

About ten years ago, my dad and I built a nearly 200 sq ft flower bed for my mom, and ever since, she (with, okay, minimal help from me) has been turning it into a perennial garden, which means we spend the spring and summer waiting for everything we've already planted to pop up and bloom again.

I wait for the tulips and the lillies.  Those are "my" flowers.  This year has been a strangely soggy one for us here in Minnesota, and under the average temp too, so the growing season has been delayed.  My lillies still had not bloomed. And then a day after I arrived in Montana, they did. 

This has been a recurring theme for me, this feeling of missing out, of feeling the world's time slipping out of sync with my plan. It's a disaster. Despite my best efforts, at heart I am still a control freak. Losing my place feels like heartbreak – and getting back on track takes more than just hopping on one foot until the hitch in my ankle cures itself.

I cried about it, I did. Not just about the flowers, but about life and angst and feeling lost.  Then I got back on my feet, wiped my face, and moved on – talked to people, put together the wedding, danced the Cupid Shuffle and YMCA. Pretended I was on the right track. 

And when I got back home, I found this. 

The 52 Week Challenge Ends

This weekend has been awesome for me motivationally, because Friday was the end of the 52 Week Challenge.  After a week of hyper-emotions related to realizing it has been a year since my college graduation, getting to take the money out of my challenge box was just what I needed to feel like I'm making headway.

The Challenge is easy to start, but can be hard to stick to for one simple reason - once you get about halfway through, the amount of money going in your box (and out of your budget) every month gets pretty high, especially if you're not making a whole lot of money to start with.  My celebration on Friday when I went to the bank, though, was so worth it.  Not only am I now set for my best friend's wedding, but I added to my vacation fund AND got to write a check for six months of my student loan payments.  It is the best feeling to knock out so much debt in one fell swoop.

Challenge Check-In

So as I said earlier, I've been working my way through the 52 Week Challenge.  If you have already started the challenge, or if you're still mulling it over, I hope you let this little check-in serve as an inspiration, motivation, or whatever it is you need to take the next step with it.

I have to say, I really love the feeling of saving this way.  Typically, I "save" by depositing a portion of my check directly into my savings account, and I never see the money, which is probably what the majority of people do.  We are not the generation of hiding money under the mattress or burying it in cans in the backyard, but for the Challenge, my "challenge buddy" Ellie and I both decided to keep the money in secret places in our homes - there is something so satisfying about being able to pull out that wad of cash and count it!

I am just past the 40-week mark, and that's stretching my budget tight.  Through a series of unfortunate events, I'm still working part-time at minimum-wage.  The chunk of my check the Challenge takes up can be daunting, especially when I am staring down needing to replace my laptop, get new tires on my car, and just subsist.  At just about three months to go, I'm finding inspiration in what the Challenge will accomplish for me.

When I'm done, I'm breaking my $1,378 into three equal parts:

1. $459.33 to pay for being in, traveling to, and gifts for my best friend's wedding this summer (with coupons, sales, and ride-sharing, this should pretty much cover everything I need for the wedding).
2. $459.33 into my "love fund" for the next time my long-distance guy and I are in the same zip code (more than enough to cover a hotel).
3. $459.33 to use as a bonus loan payment, which will get me about six months ahead on one of my loans (because I'll use it as a lump sum rather than breaking it up among my loans).

Just stick with it!  The Challenge is going to take so many burdens off my mind, and I hope it does the same for you.

New Year, New Chances - Giving with Goals

New Year's Resolutions get such a bad rap.  I mean, you can't really blame them, with how quickly they fall by the wayside.  I personally don't like the word "resolution."  I prefer goals.

There are some secrets to the art of goal-making and goal-keeping.  When it comes to goal-making, keep in mind that it isn't just a year in broad terms.  What do you want to accomplish this week?  This month?  What about today?  A combination of short-term and long-term goals keeps you from becoming overwhelmed.  Don't just think about how you want your life to be different at this time next year, think about what you need to change now to improve your life and your attitude.

Goal-keeping.  It's cliche, but write them down, and put the list somewhere you will see it (posting it on a shelf in the linen closet isn't going to cut it).  If you have a love of Pinterest like I do, create a Vision Board and pin pictures that represent your goals.  Move the board to the top of your profile page, and you'll see it every time you look for a pin.  And if you do have some long-term goals, break them down into smaller chunks.  If you want to save $500 for a new gadget by the end of the year, remind yourself how much you have to save by the end of each month and you'll be more likely to succeed without pulling your hair out or living on Ramen from October on.

But don't just think about yourself.

This time of goals and renewals is the perfect time to move out of the self-absorbed shells we all seem to carry around these days.  Make a commitment to yourself to do something better, to give back for your blessings (and if you have a computer to read this, I know you are blessed).  Is there a charity that tugs at your heart?  Make a goal to give to them in some way, whether it is with money or your time or something else entirely.  Are there people in your life you could use friendship and support?  Set your heart on taking time out to bless them with your presence, digital or in-person (put an emphasis on in-person).

My 2014 Goal #1 is to donate blood more frequently.  Giving blood is so easy.  If you've never done it, I really suggest you try it at least once.  It's not as scary as you might think, and it doesn't take long at all.  It takes no money, and it saves lives.  It doesn't get much better than that.  Start here to find out more.

Give of yourself.  You'll feel better about yourself, and that we keep you on track with your goals.

Student Loan Control

May graduates hit a trap.  And that trap is in the form of "your first loan payments are due RIGHT before Christmas."

So while we all take a moment to feel sorry for ourselves and freak out that there is absolutely no way we've been out of school for over six months already, I'm going to share something that will make you feel less like one of the poor people on the Titanic.

The point of the website I've shared (click the hyperlink, people, I made it easy) is largely to help you estimate how much your loan payments will be.  Yes, I know, your loan servicers are doing that for you, but hang with me for a second.

The bottom half of the loan calculator (which looks like this, for those who still haven't been convinced to click the link)

has a section where you can experiment with what will happen if you pay more than the minimum, whether it be once, once a year, or monthly.

Now most of us who are buried under student loans ($51k - I know what I'm talking about) feel like the minimum payments are a stretch, and the little extra we could maybe eke out every month isn't going to change much.  But read on and take heart!

One of my (many) loans has a calculated monthly payment of about $39, but the contract I signed mandates I pay at least $50 a month.  So, in essence, I am paying an extra $11 a month.  By adding that $11, I will pay off this particular loan 51 months early.  That's over four years of my life without payments, all for the cost of a restaurant pizza.

Gather up your loan info, click the link, and get yourself in control of your debt.  If one less night of half-price apps with your friends or one less bottle of wine a month can give you a few loan-less years, it's so worth it.  Calculate and recalculate until you find what's going to make an impact on your life!

Find, Apply, Repeat

For the last few weeks, I've been in "get it together" mode.  Which, as a recent grad, basically means trying to find a job that I can actually be excited about.  And one which, possibly, will mean that I can pay back my student loans AND eat more than Easy Mac for every meal (just kidding, I hate Easy Mac).  I should note that there is nothing painfully wrong with my current job; it's just that I'm currently only part time and minimum wage, so I'm feeling the pinch in more ways than one, and this isn't something I can picture building the rest of my life on.

So I'm in the cycle of applying for jobs, and there are a few things I will never understand.  Why do I have to fill out a full job history and include a resume?  How long do I wait before I assume you laughed reading my materials and threw them in the discard pile?  What exactly is the magic formula for filling out the "Salary Requirements"?  And why are you not required to give me a reason for saying no?

Yes, I started my Round I'm-Not-Even-Counting-Anymore search with finding my dream job - and I didn't get it.  Unfortunately, I discovered this information in the midst of a personal crisis and the day before my next application was due, an application for a very similar, very dream job-esqe position.

So the question isn't really "how do I keep doing the same process over and over" or "how do I make myself more appealing," it's "how do I not lose faith in myself when no one else seems to have it?"  I always thought there was a direct line between my dreams and me - work hard, stay honest, study a lot, be rewarded.  But somewhere between Summa Cum Laude At My Top Choice School and Everything I Really Want, I got derailed.  Maybe it's my fault for chasing a dream that got changed half-way through, or maybe it's just part of the process and all my fellow graduates who seem to have it together are just hanging out in the faux-green grass.

The only thing I know for sure is that I just need one chance.  Give me a chance, and you will find that the only thing I know how to give is all.