Rejection, Acceptance, and Faith

I live on site at my job.  It's 26 feet from my apartment to my office.  This sometimes leads to awkward, strange mornings - me sitting at the desk taking a reservation when my boss unlocks the door on my day off, running for the phone still in a towel after my shower, or a renter knocking on my door having locked himself out.

Or, as it was about a month ago, a realtor trying to open my bedroom door.

Luckily, I lock the doors at night, otherwise the poor realtor, potential buyers (a high school friend of mine and her mom - seriously, small towns can get so damn awkward), and my boss would have had quite the sight.

The day the realtor woke me up was the same day I submitted a job application in a nervous, hopeful fog.  I had applied for this job once before, senior year of college when I still had a full semester of class ahead.  I never heard a peep.  A lot changed in two years, and I held my breath as I prayed over the process, sure that God's timing was so obvious here.

Three hours later, I had an interview.
The interview ended with them saying I had "an awesome set of skills."  They told me the decision would be three days.
Three days later, they told me three more days.
Three days later, the opportunity was gone.

They were very complimentary.  Basically, it had come down to me and someone else, and the someone edged me out.  If another opportunity came up, they would love to have me.

A nice rejection doesn't make you feel any less rejected.

I sat in the bottom of my closet and cried as I called my SO and my mom.  I ate an absurd amount of calories.  I bought some vodka.  I argued with friends, because sometimes they just don't say the right things and sometimes you just don't care enough to be nice about it.  And mostly, I felt crummy and boxed in and just not good enough.

7 days later, everything changed.

I was checking my email during a particularly slow moment at work.  The woman who would have been my boss made an appearance.  In essence, the someone else had backed out, and they wanted me - was I still interested?

Um, yes.


So now here I sit, filling my last two weeks before moving into The New, The Different, and The Unknown.  I spent those seven days resigning myself to staying where I was, to believing that the right thing would come, that there was a reason I wasn't "there" yet.  And now it's all changed again.  The world is so topsy-turvy sometimes, so hard to reckon with.  But I believe those seven days were good for me, if only to serve as a reminder that I need to accept myself and accept that I won't always be the best, the brightest, and the winner.

Find, Apply, Repeat

For the last few weeks, I've been in "get it together" mode.  Which, as a recent grad, basically means trying to find a job that I can actually be excited about.  And one which, possibly, will mean that I can pay back my student loans AND eat more than Easy Mac for every meal (just kidding, I hate Easy Mac).  I should note that there is nothing painfully wrong with my current job; it's just that I'm currently only part time and minimum wage, so I'm feeling the pinch in more ways than one, and this isn't something I can picture building the rest of my life on.

So I'm in the cycle of applying for jobs, and there are a few things I will never understand.  Why do I have to fill out a full job history and include a resume?  How long do I wait before I assume you laughed reading my materials and threw them in the discard pile?  What exactly is the magic formula for filling out the "Salary Requirements"?  And why are you not required to give me a reason for saying no?

Yes, I started my Round I'm-Not-Even-Counting-Anymore search with finding my dream job - and I didn't get it.  Unfortunately, I discovered this information in the midst of a personal crisis and the day before my next application was due, an application for a very similar, very dream job-esqe position.

So the question isn't really "how do I keep doing the same process over and over" or "how do I make myself more appealing," it's "how do I not lose faith in myself when no one else seems to have it?"  I always thought there was a direct line between my dreams and me - work hard, stay honest, study a lot, be rewarded.  But somewhere between Summa Cum Laude At My Top Choice School and Everything I Really Want, I got derailed.  Maybe it's my fault for chasing a dream that got changed half-way through, or maybe it's just part of the process and all my fellow graduates who seem to have it together are just hanging out in the faux-green grass.

The only thing I know for sure is that I just need one chance.  Give me a chance, and you will find that the only thing I know how to give is all.