I'm going to dinner with a friend tomorrow night. Actually, I'm taking her out to dinner. To celebrate. Her engagement.
Even just thinking about it makes me a little tired. Don't get me wrong, she's a good friend, and I love spending an evening with her whenever I can get a chance. But tomorrow night is going to be an endless game I play with myself and my divided heart.
I love her.
I am so happy for her.
I want to be her.
None of us are strangers to jealousy. If you say you've never felt that deep stomach twinge, you're a liar. Even the kindest, most humble people have had those moments of "Why me?"
It's natural. But it's so dark.
I miss the man I love. He's been away for a long time, and each day seems a little harder to swallow when I stop to think of it. I hate each and every mile between us, I hate the circumstances that keep him away, I hate the knowledge that even if he were here, there would still be struggles to overcome and difficulties to face.
I love my friend. I feel blessed to have her living near me for the time being, that I can be a part of stories she will tell to loved ones in years to come. But I want to cry and rage and stamp my feet and scream that no one can be happy until I can be happy.
The dark and the light, they live in two places in my heart. The light is for everyone. The light is what shines when you run into acquaintances in the gym or when the cashier asks how you're doing today. The darkness isn't for everyone or every time or everywhere. The darkness isn't even always for those who would normally take it. I've shared my dark heart with my friend before, spilling out sadness and anger and doubt about my love, my job, my home. But I won't lay my darkness about her marriage at her feet. Does she know? Oh, I'm sure she knows. I'm sure she can get 4 from 2 + 2 and knows that my loneliness and yearning make it hard to hold a smile, but I won't tell her that. She doesn't deserve my darkness in her light.
I'll tell you, though. I'll tell other dear friends, and I'll even tell myself. I won't let the darkness fester in dark corners alone, I'll bring it out into my consciousness, out into the world, where light and love can shine and make it a little less dark when I tuck it away again to celebrate with her.
